We often run into manipulation at work from colleagues or bosses. A manipulator plays on our needs, beliefs and weak spots to trigger the emotional response they want. To resist manipulation, it helps to learn to push back confidently and without conflict.
How to recognize manipulation
First of all, it is important to recognize manipulation in time. The main sign: you feel contradictory, strange emotions that are much stronger than the situation deserves. People often manipulate through praise, for example flattery:
You are our best employee, you handle all the tasks so fast, here, take one more.
Or through blame, for example when someone tries to make us feel guilty:
You let everyone down, you work worse than anyone, stay after hours and redo it!
Here it is important to "slow down" and not rush your reaction. If we start justifying ourselves or react aggressively, it means "they got to us" and the manipulator has reached their goal. Ask yourself: how would a cool-headed person who is 100% sure of themselves respond in your place?
Tried-and-tested techniques for dealing with manipulation
Some techniques can help:
1) keep asking for details until the manipulator gets bored:
What should the perfect report look like? What exactly needs to be redone? How long should it be? Which charts would work best here? etc.
2) try agreeing with the part of the statement that is safe to agree with:
- You are a terrible employee! You are always late!
- Yes, being on time is important.
3) calmly repeat the same phrase until the situation changes:
That is not part of my duties.
4) remember that you have the right not to answer tactless and provocative questions. In those cases you can respond like this:
- Why are you asking me this now?
- Let's get back to the matter at hand.
What to keep in mind when defending against manipulation
If someone raises their voice at you, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
In most cases it is dissatisfaction with the SITUATION or with your unsuccessful ACTIONS, not with you personally.
Try to keep your composure and find out exactly what fact your opponent is unhappy with, what they want, and whether anything can be done about it. Show that you are ready to listen and cooperate.
If the other person moves on to insults and threats, it is best to show that you cannot be treated this way, and walk away.
Advice from the veterans!
Using these techniques is a kind of art and takes practice, an understanding of the context and of the person you are talking to. Tone of voice matters a lot here: sometimes cheerful, sometimes thoughtful, it has to fit the situation.
And a question...
Do you have your own life hacks for dealing with manipulation at work?